When my husband and I met, we were far from serving the Lord. We partied and played with the world, and then found out just a short four months after dating that we were going to have a baby. Thankfully he was man enough to take responsibility for our actions. We soon moved in together and 10 months after our first child was born, we got married. To say that things were tumultuous is an understatement! Starting out so young, so unplanned often left me lots of room to doubt and wonder about our choices in life. Many times I have  played the “what-if” game. What if I married so and so? What if I did this , or that? What if, what if, what if?

Can I Share Something With You?

There is no prince charming waiting to whisk you away to a better life.

There is no what if.

God has had a plan for your life from the day you were born. Even if you weren’t serving Him, He was still working in your life. He did for mine, and He knew the choices I would make, He knew the man I would marry, and He knew the path we would take together. It didn’t matter that I wasn’t following Him. It didn’t matter that I was being foolish. He still loved me and my husband, and we didn’t meet, have a child and get married by accident. And neither did you.

I am married to the man God set aside for me and living a life that is exactly what God had planned for me. And so are you.

Remember that God works all things together for good for those that love Him. (Rom. 8:28) If you say you love God, then you have to trust that He is working everything out in your life for good.

Playing the what if game is dangerous

Satan is waging war on marriages, and mine and yours is no exception. He plants the what-if seed, he convinces you that you married the wrong man. The only way to fight it is to close the door on the what-if game and accept that by honoring and loving your husband, you are in God’s perfect will and are receiving His perfect blessing. No, your marriage may not be perfect. There may be some work to do. There may be some refining to be done.  God loves you so much that He wants to bring you through His boot camp to mold you into the image of His Son, and perhaps your marriage is the training ground He is using. He has an eternal purpose, and if He chooses to use your husband to teach you to be like Christ, it isn’t because you made a mistake and it certainly isn’t because He made a mistake. This is His plan for you. Embrace it! Walk in it! Rejoice in it!

Instead of asking what if….

I had to stop playing the “what if” game, stop wondering if I had missed out on the road to happiness, if I had married the wrong man. I trust that God had me in the palm of His hand all this time, and He knows exactly what I needed then and now.

Instead of asking what if, I choose to ask what now, Lord?

I may have used my free will to make wrong choices, but He is my Redeemer. He can redeem my choices and set me on solid ground. I trust that He has. So shut the door on what if, and ask the Lord what now? Be prepared to walk in His will from this day on, even if it means a difficult marriage. Accept that He is working something beautiful out in you! You are in His perfect will by being committed to your marriage. There is no other choice, no other option!

Have you ever played the what if game?

This post is linked to Marriage Mondays

I feel like I should start this post out as: ” Hi, I’m Stephanie and our marriage has been saved.”  Ahem ….

With that said, let me share our journey.

Last year our marriage was being tried and tested like never before. We were a couple who had been committed to our church and serving God for many years. A series of events happened in our life that caused my husband to question everything we had ever believed in, his faith, his marriage, his love to me. It was a terribly difficult time, but we made it through to the other side victorious. And I finally get to say what I had prayed for so many times: We are better and stronger and more in love now than we were before. Believe me, I wondered many times if I would be able to say those words.

If your marriage is going through a hard time (or even if it isn’t) I hope that by sharing what I learned during that time can encourage and inspire you, and draw you closer to the Lord and your husband.

Falling In Love Again

What is the key to  to rebuilding and strengthening your marriage? Falling in love again.

But not necessarily with your husband. Yet.

You need to fall in love again with your God.

One thing that has continually shown itself throughout this time in my marriage is how weak, frail and inadequate human love is. It loves when times are good, but it is too easy to hold grudges, become bitter, and grow cold. The love that flows from God isn’t like that.

It is perfect.

It is unmoved.

It doesn’t base itself on the actions of others.

It loves always. The only way to give that kind of love to your husband is to receive it from the Lord. The only way to receive it from the Lord is to fall in love with Him again. You cannot love your husband in your own strength, in your own flesh. So you need to fall head over heels in love with the only One who can impart that love to you.

You need to be strong in your walk when your marriage is in trouble. You need to read His Word. You need to put on music and worship Him. You need to study. You need to pray. You need to seek Him with your whole heart. Even when that is the last thing you feel like doing. Actually, when it is the last thing you feel like doing is exactly when you should be doing it the most!

When you are filled with God’s love, it  will overflow out of you to your husband. God’s love is so big that you can’t contain all to yourself! It must be poured out and shared!

Not Just Any Love

During our difficult time, I confronted with the true meaning of unconditional love in God’s Word that is seen in 1 Corinthians.

Until I read those verses, I mean really read and mediated on them, and allowed God to search my heart did I realize how much my human love lacked.

Because I was loving my husband with my flesh, it was bound to fall short. And it was bound to break our marriage in two, because without it I could not forgive, I could not humble myself, I could not be the first to say I was sorry. I could not lay down my weapons of self defense without it.

I cannot even begin to tell you how hard it was to receive this. It was agonizing. For months I went back and forth to the love chapter and read and re read. Every time I felt hurt or mistreated or things began getting tough, I would immediately go to this chapter and read it. And every time I would see my own shortcoming as a big gaping wound in our marriage. I had to start applying unconditional love. But I couldn’t do it just by knowing I had to do it. God had to impart that ability to me. So I began really seeking the Lord more than I ever have in this area.

I began to saturate my heart and mind with Scriptures that spoke of His love. I prayed them into being. I repented when I lacked in an area. I am not sharing this so you can think I am oh so holy. That is so far from the truth. I was so desperate, I had nothing else to grasp onto.

I didn’t want to extend this love to my husband. I didn’t like him very much at the time, never mind love him. I didn’t want to forgive him. I didn’t want to bless him. It was the single most difficult thing I have ever had to do. Yet I knew deep within my heart that His love was the answer.

As I worked on loving Him with all my heart, mind, soul and strength, He began imparting that love to me And slowly, each day I got stronger, and so did our marriage. As I began to experience His love for me, I began having the ability to give this love to my husband. I got better at it. I was making my way down the verses and knocking them off as my victory. God was imparting this love to me, verse by verse. It was an amazing transformation that I am still in awe of.

When The Going Gets Tough…..

You may look at 1 Corinthians and say “Yeah right, I can’t do that!” and you are right. You cant. But He can.

Where do you start? In the first verse: Love is patient. Begin being patient with your husband. Pray for it, apply it, and when you stumble, repent and do it again.

And keep going on to every verse, line by line, like this. I believe a heart truly seeking God and to love as He loves will not go unheard and unmet. He will meet that need. I am still going through this process, and I imagine I will for the rest of my life. But as I have determined to love my husband unconditionally, and as God has imparted this to me, I know my love has been perfected. I looked over at my husband snoring away on the couch the other evening, (which usually annoyed me), and I could feel waves of love for him coming over me. I praised God for it, because I know it is from Him. Loving as God loves is the only way to save your marriage and the only way to fall in love with your husband. It is a high call. It isn’t easy. In fact, it hurts like crazy sometimes! Fall in love again with the Lord, and He will teach you exactly how to fall in love with your husband. It is the key to a wonderful marriage!

Some resources that also helped us during this time were in addtion to good friends, lots of prayer and lots of fasting were:

• Francis Frangipane’s Ministry, especially his writings on love and humility
• The Love Dare
• Ed Wheat’s Book How To Save Your Marriage Alone

If your marriage is in trouble, I would love to pray for you. Please email me at: titus 2 teaching @gmail.com with your prayer requests or questions.

This post is contributing to Marriage Mondays and Wifey Wednesdays. Visit the other writers there for marriage encouragement, advice and inspiration.

“Make a little room in your plans for romance again, Anne, girl. All the degrees and scholarships in the world can’t make up for the lack of it. “~Aunt Josephine to Anne in Anne Of Green Gables

I could feel the eye rolls through the screen when I put a blurb on my Facebook status about leaving chocolate and flower coupons visible on my husband’s bureau hoping he’d “get the hint”.

Now in case you are rolling your eyes at me too, let me just explain. The coupons weren’t really left there because I wanted him to go out and buy me chocolate and roses. What they really meant is “Hey baby, I am in need of some romance”. So just for the record, I could really care less about chocolate or flowers. We got a good laugh about it, and then had a very romantic date night a few days later

Valentines Day is a few days away, and throughout the blogosphere I keep reading about women who tell their husbands not to bother, Valentines day is just a day, etc, etc. I completely agree that Valentines day is over commercialized and unnecessary. But I think there is a danger in letting the everyday ways of life crowd out our need and desire for romance. Valentine’s Day may not be important, but romance is.

~Be Careful What You Wish For~

I am coming out of the trenches of raising little ones and 16 years into our marriage, and I just have to warn you ladies to make sure you aren’t overlooking the importance of allowing, even encouraging,  your husband to romance you. I can guarantee you that if you keep telling your husband that romance doesn’t matter, you will not only stop receiving tokens of his affection  for Valentines Day, but probably any day.

If your husband thinks that romance doesn’t matter to you, he probably isn’t going to keep trying to romance you.

Mike Bickle says in his book After God’s Own Heart:

“I don’t think it’s possible to outgrow the thrill, the wonder, the overwhelming certainly of being loved and enjoyed. It is the single experience all humans grope for and cling to in human relationships and with God. Knowing you are loved by another person fills your days with endless marvels, no matter what’s going outside your heart.”

I believe even God loves romance, and woos and entices us to Him through His love, His Word and His passion for us (just read the Song of Solomon). Our marriage relationships are a model of God’s relationship with us, and I believe romance is part of what God created in us when He created marriage. If romance is important to God, it should be important to us. There is obviously something in it that deepens and strengthens our love and passion for one another.

~Just Scrub The Toilet, Dear~

In the beginning of your relationship, I am sure romance played a huge part, maybe even involving  flowers, chocolate, love notes. Then you got married, had children, have careers, or are living on a shoe string budget. So the flowers and the chocolate stopped in favor of your husband helping you scrub the toilets as being one of the romantic things ever.

We were there one time too. Now our children are growing up, and we have more time to spend with each other, and we have realized that letting romance fall to the wayside all those years was a big mistake. My husband isn’t a romantic guy by nature, so when I made romance unimportant by telling him not to bother, it began a downward spiral that eventually left a huge void for both of us. It took a crisis in our marriage for both of us to see it.  Now we make sure that when one of us is feeling that void again, we let each other know. (Hence, the flower and chocolate hint I left on  his bureau)

~If You Like It, Just Say So!~

If you are woman who values these things, it’s ok to let your husband know. Don’t tell him it doesn’t matter to you if it does. We all have our different love language, and we need to give and receive love in a way that is fulfilling in our own marriages. Telling him to forget something that may be special to you does not make you a better wife, especially if causes a hurt or disappointment in your heart.

~In The Mood For Love~

Valentines day is over rated, but lets face it, it gets the world in the mood for love. You can’t avoid the red and pink hearts in every store or the little cupids in peoples windows or the onslaught of jewelry and floral commercials. Why don’t you knock his socks off with a romantic evening, and let him know that showing love any day of the year is one of your favorite things to do? There are loads of fun and frugal ideas that you can do. (see links below for ideas)

~Chocolate And Roses Don’t Spell Love~

I realize, and hope you do too,  that romance isn’t in the things we get materially. Most of the time it’s the little, simple, thoughtful things that we do for each other on a day to day basis. It’s the things we do to let our beloved know that we are thinking of them.  When Demi Moore was asked what was the most romantic thing she had ever done for her (then) husband Bruce Willis, she said “I gave birth to three kids!”.  That always makes me laugh! True, romance can be in the big and little things we do. The message here is just do them. Make it a priority. And never tell your husband that you just don’t care if he romances you or not! Romance truly is a finer thing and is sure to keep your heart strings tied and your love growing strong!!

For some great ideas for this Valentine’s Day, check out these great ideas:

• Frugal Valentines Day Ideas
• 14 Ways To Show Your Husband Love for Valentine’s Day

A wife, if she is very generous, may allow that her husband lives up to perhaps eighty percent of her expectations. There is always the other twenty percent that she would like to change, and she may chip away at it for the whole of their married life without reducing it by very much. She may, on the other hand, simply decide to enjoy the eighty percent, and both of them will be happy.”

-Elisabeth Elliot, Love Has a Price Tag

I have received so many emails from women have written to me seeking help in their marriage. They want to know how to cope with their harsh husband. They want to know if they should stay. They want to know if God wants them to be in an unhappy marriage forever.

I don’t have all the answers on how to have an save a hurting marriage, but I have learned something that has greatly improved mine, and perhaps it will work for you as well.

So what’s the secret?

I looked in the mirror.

Instead of pointing out all of the wrongs, the hurts, the faults and shortcomings of my husband, I began to look at what I was contributing to my marriage. Was it unconditional love? Was it grace? Was it mercy? Was I being who Christ wanted me to be towards my husband?

The answer was a big fat no. Sure, I tried. I wanted to be the wife he deserved. But I couldn’t do it without a deep searching of my own heart. I couldn’t do it without allowing God to open wounds and heal them, without humbling myself and admitting that I made mistakes and had hurt my husband. It wasn’t my husband God needed to start working on to give us a great marriage, it was me.

We all fall short of unconditional love, of giving grace, of taking up an offense, of lacking forgiveness and mercy. If your marriage is hurting, you need to humble yourself before a sovereign God and take responsibility for your own sin. You need to repent of bitterness, anger, cold love, harsh words, unkind thoughts and unforgiveness towards your spouse. You need to look in the mirror and see yourself for who you really are. Then He will begin to do the work in your marriage that you so desperately desire.

Your husband may have hurt you deeply; he may not deserve your love or your forgiveness. Jesus doesn’t call us to love those who love us, but to love the unlovable. He doesn’t call us to forgive those who deserve to be forgiven, but calls us to simply forgive. Maybe that is your husband right now. And remember you didn’t deserve what Jesus did either. Yet he did it. And you know what He said? “Forgive them Father, for they know now what they do.” Even until the end, He was not seeking His own, but mercy, grace and forgiveness for the very people who beat Him, mocked Him and ridiculed Him. Have you done that for your own husband?

I just encourage you today to start looking at your own actions in your marriage in light of His word. Read Matthew chapter 5 in light of your marriage. Read 1 Corinthians chapter 13 (aka The Love Chapter). How are you doing according to God’s word? You will find a lot of revelation in answering those questions honestly. And ask yourself: When you look into the mirror, do you see Christ?