Photo by Emmily

I think of the future often, especially for my children. Who will they marry? Will I like their spouse? Will they be happy? Will they be successful? How many grandchildren will I have?

There have been a few occasions my daughters have been encouraged to make a list of what they “want” in their potential spouse. Since I have a   slight obsession love making lists, at first I thought this sounded wonderful. Even the book So Much More has a pretty in depth list of what to look for in a potential spouse. But then I started thinking about it, and I am not so sure that it is something I’ll be doing. Then again, I am still in the trenches and have a lot to learn on this parenting journey, but this is where I stand right now.

The heart of man plans his way,but the Lord establishes his steps.

—Proverbs 16:9

While I have yet to read the newest book by Voddie Bauchman titled  “What He Must Be If He Wants To Marry My Daughter”, the title makes me a little nervous. It may be a great book, and I do intend to read it. However I  know that my husband would not have made “the list”, yet God couldn’t have picked  a greater man for me and has used this man  to perfect and work out my character in a way that never would have happened had I not married him. I know he is the perfect one for me, God’s choice,  list or no list.

My biggest concern is that many of this idea almost seem to expect that God already perfected the young man before marriage, which many of the things laid out on this list are a life long work, often times perfected through marriage. Raise your hands all of you who have a stronger Christian walk because of your marriage? Thank you.

Many are the plans in the mind of a man,

but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand.

—Proverbs 19:21

While I believe we must have standards for who we would even consider a suitable marriage partner for our children, we need to protect their hearts and offer them wise counsel, I am not convinced that making a list and checking it twice is really a good thing to do either. I wonder if  setting up an ideal in my children’s minds as to what their future spouse will be is the best way to prepare them for marriage. Honestly, how often has your own spouse failed you? How have you had to change your perspective of the ideal husband during your married life? Could your list have prevented that? Could your spouse even “make the list” now, even after years of marriage?

The plans of the heart belong to man, but the answer of the tongue is from the Lord. All the ways of a man are pure in his own eyes, but the Lord weighs the spirit.Commit your work to the Lord, and your plans will be established. —Proverbs 16:1-3

Instead I believe we, mothers and daughters, are to be in prayer for our future spouse. We should pray  “ God send my daughter the man You have chosen, that You know the heart of, that You have created especially for her, to work out Your character in her, Your purpose and Your plan in your life. And please make it clear to us, as parents whom this person is, even if our eyes cannot see it.”

I have been a Christian long enough to have seen that God often uses people that we would least expect to show His glory. I am not about to get in His way of providing the perfect mate for my children because of a list of criteria that I have made. He may have someone that is nothing like I would dare to imagine, because He knows the future. I do not.

What if the perfect man that God has chosen doesn’t have enough checks on the list? And what if the wrong person does? We’ll leave the deciding up to God, and trust that when the time comes He will provide the perfect person who fits His list. Not ours.

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord,

plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.

—Jeremiah 29:11

Ok, I am stepping off my soap box now. What do you think about this list making process that is encouraged? Have you made one yourself? Have you gone through the courtship and marriage process and found the list to be useful? And would your husband have made “the list”?

I’ve noticed something now that my children are growing older.

It is much more accepted when a mother stays home when the children are young.

After all, when children are little they need their mother the most, right?

But when those children reach school age or teen years, it is much less accepted.

The questions begin: “When are you going to go back to work, pursue your career, or get a degree?”

It is easy for many mothers to buy into the fact that our older children no longer need their mothers much, and abandon their post at home. While society may tell you that a teenager no longer needs you, I believe the opposite is true.

I think they need you more.

Many times I think being their mother when they were small was easier. I had their undivided love and attention. I had them safely by my side, guiding and nurturing their every move. As they grow and begin to develop their own personalities, make their own choices and decisions, and discover their own walk with the Lord apart from me, I am learning the fine art of letting go yet holding strong.

With the feminist and humanistic agendas constantly being thrust forward in our society, the constant attack on family and the values of our culture slipping further away from God’s model everyday, my role as a mother is critical in the life of my children throughout their lives, not just when they are babies and toddlers.

When they were small, I often protected them from getting hurt physically. Now I am protecting them from getting hurt emotionally and spiritually by a cruel world that wants to rob their innocence and steal their soul.

The older they get, the bigger the war that is waged against them, and a stronger warrior I need to become. When they begin to grow and their circle of influence widens they need the council of their mother even more to help guide their lives in the right direction. Just as there were dangers to protect them from when they were little, there are dangers to protect them from when they are older. Just as there are lessons to be taught when they were 3, there are lessons to be taught at 13, 15, and 18. The lessons change, but the need for the proper protection, care and guidance of their mother never changes. I cannot imagine abandoning my children at such a pivotal time in their life!

In our society, teenagers are expected to rebel. How many people have ever said to you “Oh they are good now, but you just wait until they are 13,15, 17”?  When a teen gets into trouble, hangs with the wrong crowd, and no longer listens to their parent’s advice it is normal.

But I ask this :   Are we leaving our children too soon, at one of the most critical times in their life? Maybe when they need us the most?

If a mother is there, as an unwavering watchtower over their hearts, minds and souls I wonder if that “age of rebellion” is inevitable, as so many say it is? A mother who doesn’t leave her post can quickly remove any seeds of rebellion that are attempted to be sown into their lives, because you are there. Watching. Guiding. Praying.

Mothers of older children, you are still needed, maybe more than ever, to guard the gates, mend the fences, and continue to teach, protect, and guide your children.

Motherhood is a lifetime job. Always changing, but never stopping. God didn’t designate me to be their mother until they reach such and such an age, but he called me to be their mother for life.

It is a high and noble calling and I don’t think we should be willing to surrender too quickly.

These words filled my heart! This poem is written by my daughter Lindsey (she is 10). It is interesting that we have never formally studied poetry, but after she picked up some books from the library she has been writing them herself. I was amazed at this one!

The Lantern

I am the Father of this land,
I am the lantern in your hand.

I am the love, the joy, the peace,
I am the one that you should please.

I am the rain, I am the snow,
I am the mighty winds that blow.

I am the baby in a manger,
I am the home for a lost stranger.

I am the stars, the sun, the moon,
I am the Jesus coming soon.

I am the footprints in the sand,
I am the lantern in your hand.